Originally published September 22, 2024
I grew up with a single father from a generation where the best hope for a happy and successful life was a lifelong career at the same company with a reliable paycheck, a marriage with a stable and kind partner, buying a house that you could pay off and retire in, and occasional trips to spend time in nature before you settled down to have a couple kids and maybe a dog.
I'm not unique.
Many of us with boomer parents grew up with the same expectations for who we would become (or should aim to be).
I don't begrudge my dad for his hopes for me and my life. He wanted me to have an easier life than he did.
But as I grew up and tried to adult, it always felt off.
These expectations made me miserable.
I remember chasing the corporate career for stability and always ending up a shell of myself after a couple years when I burnt out at another job.
I remember getting married in my early 20s and then subsequently divorced by 25 when I realized that what I wanted for my life was deviating from this classic expectation and the person I was with didn't want a different life, they wanted that classic dream.
I remember spending 10+ years battling my body and pushing myself through things that came easy to everyone else only to spend thousands and go through 5+ doctors to finally get a diagnosis.
I remember learning about neurodiversity and finally understanding patterns within myself, my life, and even some of my family members that made me realize so many of the struggles weren't a fault or failing in who I was as a person but a result of my unique needs and I could adapt life to meet them.
If I could go back and talk to that 20 year old version of myself, I'd tell her:
The expectations we place on ourselves aren't always our own. You get to define (or redefine) what success looks like for you - at any time. It's okay to want something different - different than others, different than what you have, different than the status quo.
Maybe current you also needs to hear it.
Rewriting the Rules
For the last 8 years, I've been actively redefining what success means to me.
Checking in every couple years to shift anything that changes as life's seasons come and go.
Those traditional metrics for personal achievement like:
- Job Titles
- Salary
- Accolades
- Quantifiable results at work
- Academic Milestones
Become less important.
Sure, I still have money goals.
We live under capitalism after all.
But now those metrics for personal achievement look more like:
- Energy Levels
- Deep Work Hours
- Stress Resilience
- Personal Growth Time
- Skill Diversity
- Personal Relationships
- Health Habits
- Stress Recovery Time
- Long Term Goal Success
- Boundary Adherence
- Adaptability
- Consistent Reflection Practices
- Value Alignment
- Presence in Your Body
Before we fully dive into how you can redefine them for yourself, I want to acknowledge that we live in a world where things like money, titles, accolades are prioritized far more than well-being. No sense in denying the realities.
Being able to focus on well-being is a privilege not everyone has. I can't in good faith speak to sustainability and doing what's best for you without acknowledging the very real truth that there are systems in place to make it difficult to do just that. Systems that benefit from people not being able to get out of the hamster wheel.
So as we dig into how to shift expectations and success metrics, remember to give yourself lots of grace and that slow and steady is far better for you than overnight change.
So this week...
Try This:
Define Your Success Scorecard
Having clear, compassionate, and sustainable expectations for personal success aren't just for shits and giggles.
They shift the way we relate to ourselves, speak to ourselves, and interact with others and out in the world which have real impact like:
- Reduced stress and anxiety
- Increased self-awareness + self-acceptance
- Better alignment with personal values
- Enhanced motivation and focus
- Greater resilience in the face of setbacks
- More authentic relationships and connections
- Ability to celebrate small wins
- Reduced risk of burnout
- Greater sense of control over one's life
- More flexibility to adapt to changes + challenges
So for this exercise, let's help set you up for more resilience and alignment heading into the fall madness.
